Canine humour

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There are so many funny stories, poems & jokes out there about dogs & people that I wanted to share some of them with you here.  Enjoy!

 

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."   "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."   Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.  The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.  Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.  The Mother Superior is first to open hers.  She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?" 

 

 DOGS' LETTERS TO GOD
(you don't have to be religious to enjoy these)

 
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
 
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
 
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
 
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
 
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
 
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
 
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
 
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
 
Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
1) I will not eat the cats food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2) I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3) I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
4) The diaper pail is not a cookie jar; the sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
5) The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6) My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
7) I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
8) I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
9) Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello'!!
10) I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
11) I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
12) I will not throw up in the car.
13) I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
14) The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
 
Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?
 

 

The Sniffer Dog

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.  The dog takes the middle seat, and his handler explains that they work for the airline.
"Don't mind Rover," the handler says, "he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."  The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."  He tells the dog, "Rover, search!"
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy!"
He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.
The handler says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."
"Wow!" says the first man.
Once again, the handler sends the dog to search the aisles.
Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat, and craps all over the place!!!!!
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, "What the heck was THAT for???!!"
The handler replies, "He just found a bomb."

 

 

Visit A Dog Person

Notice to people who visit my home!!!

  • The dog lives here...you don't.
  • If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
  • Yes, he has some disgusting habits.  So do I and so do you.  What's your point?
  • OF COURSE he smells like a dog.
  • It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch.  Please feel free to sniff his.
  • I like him a lot better than I like most people.
  • To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted child, who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, doesn't speak clearly, and loves cats.  I have no problem with any of these things.
  • Dogs are better than kids: they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.

 

 

You Know You Are A Dog Person When...

  • Your jewelry box contains no jewels; just those fasteners from vari-kennels.
  • Your house is not carpeted; the fuzzy fur balls under your feet are soft enough.
  • Your hungry spouse comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan on the stove and says; "Is this people food or dog food?"
  • Your hungry spouse once ate the dog food and asked for seconds.
  • Your mother-in-law keeps asking when you are going to have children.
  • You don't give a second thought to using the brush you just used on the dog to give a quick run through your own hair.
  • At your dinner parties you always double check the butter before putting it on the table.
  • You put important papers in the latest issue of your breed magazine.  You know you will find them there.
  • You have dog hair stuck on the tape of wrapped gifts.
  • You have dog toys/treats in your briefcase.
  • You have many albums filled with 8 x 10 pictures of your dogs, but you can't find any pictures of the kids to send to Grandma.
  • You show up at the car dealership with a measuring tape to see if your crates will fit.
  • You can't get groceries into the car because it is already full of dog food.
  • You visit relatives only if there is a dog show nearby.
  • You remove all the back seats of the van so you have room for dog crates.
  • You put popcorn in the clean dog dish for a movie treat.
  • When you get your latest roll of film developed, there is not one picture of a two-legged being.

 

 

TOP 10 REASONS TO BREED DOGS

10...I love hair in my coffee.
09...Never did like having a full nights sleep.
08...Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW.
07...Thought the furniture looked too nice.
06...Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, predawn, etc.
05...Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn't want to pay a gardener.
04...Neighbors didn't complain enough.
03...Kids weren't enough of a challenge.
02...If you can train & show one dog, why not ten.
01...Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows.
 

 

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
 
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
 
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
 
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
 
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
 
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
 
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
 
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
 
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I ! don't se e a light bulb?
 
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
 
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
 
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
 
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
 
14. New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
 
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
 
The Cat's Answer:
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
 
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

 

 
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
 
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.